Sunday, August 18, 2013

Tiredness and Sadness

I have found writing to a template for an educational publisher extremely difficult. My first attempt was bounced back, very distressing. I have had another go, this time refusing to think about the deadline. Instead, I focused on getting it right. 

Working from home can be so difficult. I write lists, and colour code them. I am not allowed to move onto the next task until I have completed the 'code red' item. This means that the washing, ironing, gardening and all other household duties have not been completed this week. Not until number one on the list - finish first draft and edit - is complete. Yesterday, I started work after I dropped my youngest daughter at a sleepover at 1:30pm and I didn't stop until 3 am. I got up this morning at 8am and worked until 10:50am. My second attempt is now complete and ready to go. Even my toe nails are tired.

I am praying that this one is acceptable and ready for peer review. 

I still have to find all the exam board information and write a couple of exam answers. I am not looking forward to this. But, I'm also not stressing about it either.

Tonight is the Neil Gaiman evening. I'm hoping to 'bump' into a couple of other local scribes and get a bit of work for autumn this year and spring 2014. This is another aspect to writing that I find exhausting. Giving your all to the project on your plate while keeping an eye out to the horizon for more work. 

Unfortunately, even though I've been excited about this evening for weeks my nerves are jangling. I got the tickets for myself and a few others. One of which was the lady who 'accidentally' tried to scupper my chances at getting more work at my last networking opportunity. 

I'm acutely aware that I only have power over my own actions. What will be will be. If more 'accidental' stirring occurs tonight, I will deal with it IF it happens again. No use worrying about something that might never happen.

Besides we have had strong words since, and I have prayed and reflected on the incident. I'm proud of the fact that the chattering monkeys in my head have quieten in record time. I think this is partly due to me owning up to the fact I needed help. I have been shocked and humbled by the support of some friends, and even people who I viewed as writing acquaintances. I have accepted the 'we told you so's' and 'didn't I tell you's' with good grace.

When I think about the incident it is with a deep sense of sadness. I can still see the best side of the person. And even after everything that happened, there are good qualities. I'm going  focus on nice aspects of the relationship. It's sad when someone is trapped in a hole of misery, jealousy and feelings of victimisation. No one can get someone else out of their own hand made living hell. I pray that one day she will create her own self help ladder and climb out of it herself. I hope that I haven't delayed her own healing by my attempts to rescue.

BUT tonight is another author event. Despite me focusing on healthy ways to deal. I'm still a Lancashire Lass at heart and pragmatic. My mothers advice;

'We are taught to turn the other cheek. But it best to keep enough distance between you and trouble - so that they can't reach you to slap the other one.' 

echoes in my head. So in future I intend to be a bit more careful who I drive to events!

Heigh ho, there is nothing more queer than folks.

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