Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Dark Spectre

No one is happy all of the time, but some people feel as if they can never find happiness.
Some people feel as if their entire life is devoted to nothing but pain and hurt and loneliness. Every day is a struggle, and every breath a fight for survival. These people have a deep understanding of the word depression.

But you can't give in to it. You're got to smile and carry on.

Or can you?

I wonder if there is any truth to the idea that getting out of your comfort zone is good for you? I'm always pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and to be honest, it's getting exhausting. I remember during my cognitive behaviour therapy days that if I wasn't in a state of high anxiety, I wasn't doing my homework right. Perhaps it's just the weather affecting my mood, the stress of the business, financial worries but it's been a hard week.

I done the exercise thing, set myself goals and made myself achieve them, played with the kids and the dog, but I can feel the shadow is beating down on me, and I feel incredibly isolated in my marriage and in my family.

This morning I finished my first draft of a Sci Fi competition story, and I'm looking forward to tomorrows meeting of The Red Pen Posse, a sub group of The Writers @ Lovedean where we carefully read through others work before we send it out. I'm very poor at editing my own work so this club is a boon.

But the bleak spectre is close. I know someone who happily admits when she is low she takes what she calls a 'duvet day.' I'm more unforgiving. More than one doctor has warned me against seeking perfection, and I've been told to be the same good friend and partner to myself as I am to others, learn to say no. Pamper instead of chastise myself. Would it be the end of the world end if I decided to hide under a blanket just once?

The problem is my fear that if I don't manage to crawl out of bed In the morning I will never get up again.

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry that you feel so low and isolated. We will do our best to support you and help you out of your depression