Friday, March 30, 2012

The Past Repeating Itself

I thought I had accepted my past as part of what makes me - me.
Until, the universe decided to test to test my theory. Do you know what I mean? An event that is remarkably similar to a painful experience in the past.

My confidence took a bashing, darkness descended. Anxiety took over to the point of nausea. The feelings were so familiar.  Memories came back in flashback form, in full Technicolor.
To make matters worse, I started an internal dialogue—and a cruel one at that.

Instead of helping, the inner voice added to the anxiety.  I hit out at loves ones desperately wanting them to help me.  And I got angry when they failed to step up to the mark.

I wanted to be comforted, nurtured and told every thing would be alright.  I wanted someone to list the things I can do well; to be a leader, and to take charge.  It took me a while to remember everything I have been taught.  I own the voice inside my head.  It can be my friend or enemy.

Instead of sitting and spiraling downwards in depression, I decided to do something completely different. Instead of someone telling me that I have abilities I decided to prove something to myself.  I made the call and arranged the business meeting and got the outcome I wanted.

I refused to believe what was said about me. 

I’m still feeling overwhelmed.  But I have decided not to take anything else on for a while and slowly, step by step – or one day at a time as my friend is fond of saying – I will work through the back log and get back on track.

1 comment:

  1. thanks for sharing Charlotte, well done for caring for yourself and for for massive self awareness over your families support. x