This may surprise you, but no one really knows exactly what’s going wrong with the brain in depression. For Parkinson’s we can point to the death of dopaminergic cells in the substania nigra. For Alzheimer’s we understand it is caused by the growth of amyloid plaques and neurofibrillary tangles. We know it is a chemical unbalance. But we don’t understand depression in the same way.
What I do know is that I slept badly last night, my dog felt the need wake me this morning by chewing my toe. When I opened the curtains I thought the illness was back. That somehow despite my hated 5k runs (wobbles) on Saturday's, my daily walks, smoothies and affirmations. It was back. Because when I looked out of the window fear gripped my heart. All the colour seemed to have bled out of the world. It was like looking into that familiar grey claustrophobic view of the world.
It was in fact fog. Real, physical fog!
Most people's first thought when looking through the glass would be the obvious one, fog. But that's the problem with fears. They lie dominant, but have the loudest voice when you least expect them. Irrational beliefs can sound so convincing.
Today, I have two meetings, one small deadline and some writing to do. On a personal note I have a few errands to run. Tonight I have a lecture at university. I'm nervous and edgy. What I really want to do is hide from the world. Instead, I'm up, dressed and writing my blog.
The clouds will clear or they won't. I can't control that. The only thing I can control is my own thoughts and behaviour.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
A.A. Milne or Winnie the Pooh depending on your view on writers.