I'm not sure what I'm feeling at the moment - unsettled, envy, jealousy?
I have a niggling unpleasant feeling under the rib cage. Lots of wishful feeling for things I haven't got. And I'm not just taking about things - although finally getting the doors on the Ikea wardrobes would be nice. I think it's a desire to have things settled.
Feelings of envy don't always lead to jealousy. I remember seeing someone with an awesome pencil case of all things. It didn't lead me to jealously, instead, I went on a to the shopping trip to Paperchase. When I found out that a pal Denyse went running, I was envious. It pushed me to join her running group.
Envy happens when you see somebody else experiencing something you’d like to have. You get a 'if only' feeling inside, like you want what they have. But this feeling does not necessarily lead to jealousy. Sometimes it can make you want to try things for yourself.
Jealousy is different. It's a negative state of mind. The jealous voice says “I want what you have, and until I have it, I don't want you to have it either.”
This is very different from simple envy, because now the emphasis is not on you moving forward, but rather on keeping the other person back, or hoping they will fall flat on their faces. It certainly explains why jealousy can be so destructive and all-consuming.
I can't point the finger on exactly what is going on inside. I can't think of anyone that I want to fail, which is an unpleasant thought, but I have been in bad places before. So I think it rules out jealously. I am envious of the success of some of the authors I met at the weekend, but not more than usual.
So it must be a fear of some kind which is bubbling away in the darkness. Fear of failure perhaps. Anyway, it is something I need to get under control and get back to work.
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