Not writing

I'm quite proud of my anxiety management but I've been off colour over the weekend to the point I've even managed to lose a bit of weight. Unfortunately, I find being the sick member of the family extremely difficult. It tends to trigger a emotional numbness and detachment with people around me.

I haven't done any writing over the weekend but I have made a list of things I've 'failed' at, you know the things you hope to achieve in the morning but don't get round to.

My husband even though he's busy has managed to go to the gym, mow the lawn, and get to grip with his workload over the weekend. Although I'm grateful I'm also jealous. I'm the one who gets things done.

My husband is currently making tea for our two daughters and their three friends. And once again I need to ask why, when one parent almost let me off the hook and said, 'are you sure you don't mind having her - you look terrible?'

Why didn't I say, 'you know you're right I feel terrible can I make it another day?'

I think what I need to do is revisit why I started this blog and look at what, if any progress I've made.

When a friend becomes an obstacle

On Monday I saw a friend who is a career woman, although approaching retirement is still willing to jump at any new and exciting opportunities. She is a vibrant hardworking person. I came home. I wrote. I made plans. I was focused.

I was pleased to see that my film review for Ted was published by the e-magazine The Motion Online http://www.themotiononline.co.uk/category/magazine/
Although broke, I was having 'good' days.

Today I've been on a bit of a downer all day. I'm always very careful about saying I suffer from anxiety and depression because I think words are powerful. If you constantly state that you suffer from depression, talk about it all the time it becomes very real and solid. I try to remind myself that symptoms appear and then they go away again. But I am now at a stage when I can accurately predict if a situation is going to be challenging. I cling to what I know to be true - depression is not a fixed state.

Yesterday, just as I was leaving the house to walk the dog I had a phone call from a friend I've know for eighteen years. She is a bouncy helpful kind hearted person who can talk the ears of a donkey. We only talk about six times a year but I knew that was going to be a two hour phone call. I explained I was going out to walk the dog and then go to an appointment, but during my walk I felt bad. She sounded really down on the phone.

Due to my medical history I don't like the thought of anyone being depressed and alone but over the last ten years her phone calls have taken a very negative pattern. My friend is dissatisfied with her life and spends the entire call comparing her lot with other people she knows. She guesses how much she thinks others are earning which she always feels is more than her (and to be honest most of her guesses are ridiculously over estimations). But she is unwilling to think of others outgoings, doesn't think that they may have debts or a mortgage. She retrained as a teacher about twelve years ago and mainly teaches supply, she is woeful over the lack of a permanent appointment and is obviously disappointed. I don't know if you recall the government promises on television about salary for teachers. Supply teaching is hard and you don't get paid for the holidays. She puts so much effort into each role in the hope she will be taken on. It is very demoralising not to have a permanent role but the fact my husbands been made redundant twice in the last three years or the fact that my job search isn't going great, and the business is treading water in a time of a global depression does not pick up on her radar. No one has it harder than she does. She is comparing herself to people her age further up the career ladder. Everyone has better holidays, better cars and better houses. And if you do try and point out blessings, she's had a couple of great holidays over the last few years, that doesn't count. It is always answered in a 'yeah but...'

Counting your blessings is incredibly hard. I'm currently in a place were I think I have made a victory in getting out of bed in the morning. Each day I try to not focus on financial worries and try to be thankful for my health, my children, the time I share with my husband, the fabulous technology we have at our finger tips these days, the dog, anything. Maybe this will be the day when a new customer comes on board? Maybe today will be the day that the rejection letter is really a yes? Perhaps, maybe that unclaimed lottery ticket will be mine?

These calls end up in one of two ways, me massaging her ego, 'your right it's not fair, you're a great person, a great teacher...' While she actually puts me down, 'when I was your age I was slim, I my figure was like Barbie, my house was always spotless etc.' I usually end up feeling like s***. Or you get into this competing for who has it worse. Again I end up feeling really bad.

Last night I didn't sleep. What was the point of me and my hubby trying to make a go of things? I was beginning to think like my friend, I was comparing my life with what I thought others had. I could feel the bubbles of resentment.

And it's because you pick up habits of the people you spend time with. Lie with a dog get up with fleas spend time with upbeat positive people and you feel like you can touch the moon to.

I love my friend. I want her to be happy. Today I realised that she is not a good influence on me, that as long as she is comparing herself to others she will never be happy and sadly she needs to put others down to make herself feel better.

I don't know what to do. Once she starts work in September I won't hear from her until the next crisis. So perhaps I should just put the problem on hold? But I have finally woke up and smelt the coffee, the company you keep is important.

I started this blog because I turned forty I have spent my life up to now looking after other people and I wanted to be more focused on setting my own goals, dreams and aiming for that publishing deal.

The Writers Umbrella

The Writers @ Lovedean went to The Groundlings Theatre in Portsmouth to read in the Arts Festival celebrating Jonas Hanway birth. For those who don't know he invented the umbrella.

I had a great day, but I tend to enjoy things like this. I think it's because I've always been a volunteer I can see all the hard work put into organising an event like this. There are always those who just wander around the side lines making the occasional comment of how things could be improved if they did it, which they don't.

Today at The Groundlings there was a wonderful atmosphere. Singers and actors did their best to perform and we also got on that stage and did our best. And because I run the group I thought what the hell and I let my kids read their work to. They were still buzzing when they came home.

It's took a massive amount of time to sort out. I decided pretty early on that I did not want to spend all my time sitting on a stall and I'm working hard on looking at how social media can benefit groups and business. So I offered help to all my members but only three members took the opportunity to record their work to be played on a screen. I also took a snippet from the radio soap myself and Lynne Stone used to write for and and made a poster screen for the group. Unfortunately putting it onto a video was still outside my technical skills so my husband had to put it together. I sat watching him over his shoulder, but hubby is many wonderful things be he isn't a teacher. I don't think I would have done it if I knew how much time it was going to take. Posters and leaflets were made. My daughter had the idea to give poems away in a bag with our details on. It was a lovely thought but time consuming. Still it can always be used again.

I had to send emails and jolly members to come along but they did and they performed brilliantly.

I wanted the group to benefit from my social media training so I set up a twitter account and Facebook page for The Writers @ Lovedean.

The result - that same feeling I had when I set up the blog. I didn't get round to really thinking about what I was going to read. I didn't get round to making a little video short of my work. And when everyone else described feeling like they had climbed a mountain I felt like I could have done more.

Still a great day.

Learning what is required, practice and mastery

My head hurts. I haven't washed up and I've said yes to my daughters friend coming for a sleepover.

The reason?

My on going mission to try and get my head around social media. Last night and today I have literally spent hours creating a Facebook page for The Writers at Lovedean. It was the timeline that was the problem, I wanted a fair representation of all the members success. The problem is that despite nagging people they don't keep their profiles up to date. So I had to spend time searching people on the Internet to find the dates of competition wins etc.

No matter what I did I couldn't work out how to put the photos in the timeline. It is my age old problem of trying to do the same thing as last time then remembering - often after nine or ten attempts - that last time I was using the app version of Facebook or using the safari version.

I've also opened a twitter account for the group, @writerslovedean. Plus I can confirm, and if there is a short cut please let me know, that to open a new twitter account you need a new email. I was told this by a fellow writer, but I didn't believe her. Legs between my tail I opened a new email and then the twitter account and finally a Facebook page. Obviously I'm hoping to follow the same process for mine and my husband's business.

The next thing on the agenda is a bit of group house keeping. The members bio page on The Writers @ Lovedean webpage looks terrible. Now that people can follow us on twitter and Facebook I can get on with making the leaflets for The Groundlings event.

The thing is when you are doing these things for the first time it is a long slow progress, but once it's set up maintaining it isn't as bad. I hope!

It doesn't matter if it's driving a car, baking a cake or social media it's still a process.

Learning what is required

Practice

Mastery

Inappropriately correcting people

I'm an ex English teacher. I'm also very weak at spelling. So I'm used to people being surprised when I make a mistake. It is because they assume I must have a greater knowledge on a subject because of my previous vocation. When teaching I was exceptionally careful at checking and rechecking work before I gave it to students in a professional capacity. However, if someone shouts across a room and asks me to spell something away from my dictionary I'm stumped.

On Friday I received a telephone message to let me know that a member of The Writers @ Lovedean was ill, he'd had a series of mini strokes. I sent an email out to the group so any members who were particular friends of his would know and explained that I had an appointment in Southampton that afternoon. I asked for members to email personal messages so I could cut them out and put them in a card and promised to phone his wife that evening and let everyone know how he was. That evening I phoned his wife and sent an update of his condition to the group. And then carried on with work until the early hours.

Saturday morning brought the usual stresses of running a family and the dreaded business banking. But on Saturday afternoon myself and another member visited him and his wife for a couple of hours. Both of us busy with our own lives we still took time out to see and help another human being in a time of distress. I came home and sent out another group email to let people know how he was. It was a hurried email and I made a spelling mistake. I then got ready to do my husbands books.

I received an email from a member of the group correcting one spelling mistake in the email. I was absolutely furious and upset. I'm not much of a crier but I was in tears. Why did it upset me so much?

I'm constantly asking people to check my work for mistakes. I have often complained about my woeful editing skills. On the whole I would say I accept criticism far easier than praise. Yet here I was in tears over a three word email. In the past I would have said nothing and eaten a bar of chocolate and pretended that it didn't bother me. But it was strange that the week before I had spoken to a lady called Kate about speaking from the heart. I sent back an email immediately saying that I hate these sort of inappropriate corrections, it makes me angry and depressed.

I didn't sleep that night. I was still so upset that in the midst of someone

• doing their best
• trying to be nice
• being frantically busy but trying to keep everyone happy

That the only thing they could see to comment on, was a spelling mistake.

A writing group in its very nature is a place to receive criticism. I have explained to members time and again that once they decide to share their work they no longer own it. You have asked for feedback and it may not be nice or what you want to hear. So if you can't take it don't put it out to the room. At the same time I ask members to try and give criticism nicely. No one wants to be corrected in a curt, condescending, blunt, rude, abrasive, or exasperated manner.

When something like this happens the advice you usually hear is don't take it personally and it was then I realised why I was so distraught.

It felt personal. But I think there are lots of reasons for inappropriately correcting people:

• They may think they're being helpful, interesting, or impressive by pointing out someone's mistake.
• They're not considering that the correction may not be appropriate at that time.
• They may have a mentality where it just feels 'wrong' to let a mistake slide.
• They may feel they just have to say something, and get a sense that they're restoring balance to the universe by sharing the Truth with others.
• Some people may get a little ego boost from being knowledgeable, knowing more than someone else, and getting to show it.
• Some people may correct others out of a sense of intellectual competitiveness. By pointing out someone's mistake they feel 'one up' over them.

Usually when receiving criticism I follow a tried and tested pattern.

I give the criticism some time to sink in and resist the urge to defend myself or lash back. Is there truth to what they are saying? Do I actually agree with the criticism?

I then try to turn the criticism into a positive. I rewrite that passage. I take out the repetition. Even if criticism is harsh or mean, you can turn it to your advantage. Most criticism points out a mistake and has in it a suggestion where you can change something to make it better.

Even if someone is harsh and rude, I tend to thank them. They might have been having a bad day, or maybe they’re just a negative person in general. But even so, an attitude of gratitude will probably catch them off-guard.

On the whole I try to learn from the critic. They may have been nasty and unpleasant but that doesn't mean they haven't managed to spot a mistake you're been making.

My usual aim is to be the better person. But the way that many of us handle what we see as personal attack is by attacking back. “I’m not going to let someone talk to me that way.” Especially if this criticism is made in public. You have to defend yourself, and attack the attacker … right?

Wrong. By attacking the attacker, you are stooping to his level. Even if the person was mean or rude, you don’t have to be the same way. You don’t have to commit the same sins.

Be the better person.

I try removing myself from the criticism, and looking only at the actions criticised. They are not criticising me as a whole but my tendency to be loud or blunt. By seeing the positive in the criticism, and trying to improve. By thanking the critic. And by responding with a positive attitude I have accepted the criticism with grace and appreciation. And in doing so, remained the better person, and felt great about myself.


This didn't happen on this occasion. I responded directly as I was feeling, I told him I didn't find it funny, helpful or pleasant. He emailed me back saying he wouldn't be returning to the group.

Next came the surprise. I expected to feel sorry, sad or guilty. But instead, rightly or wrongly, my gut says that I have managed to stand up and draw a line in the way I let people treat me. I was transported back to therapy I had years ago and the words of Dr Phil (http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/131/)
'We Teach People How to Treat Us
You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behaviour when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling — and then get their way — you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.'

I feel better about myself. I managed to say 'no' that is not acceptable AND I haven't felt bad about that person leaving. In fact in a sick way it made me feel a little better about myself - the words they
'can give it but can't take it' keep rolling around my head. I definitely think it is a time in my life to be a little less zen and the 'better person' and a little bit more verbally 'no' that isn't acceptable!

Don't believe the dead.

“You can’t believe everything you hear,” said Sally. “Especially from the dead.”

“I just think it’s worth looking into, that’s all.” Ben replied.

Sally looked a little disgusted.

“Him?” She said. “They aren’t hims or hers, they’re its. Do you even know what ghosts are? I mean what they really are?”

“Of course, they’re people who’ve died. They’ve got – “

“Wrong. They’re all the nasty and spiteful bits of the soul that can’t get into Heaven. They’re just so much slighted ectoplasm with a long memory and a complete inability to forgive. Next time one of the wretched things starts shooting its mouth off, do yourself a favour: stick your fingers in your ears and start whistling the theme tune from Laurel and Hardy. They hate that.”

Ben changed the subject, he knew why Sally hated the dead. He tried not to let her catch him glancing at the clock. Eventually she pushed her text books into the purple rucksack that accompanied her everywhere. He walked her to the door, the cold October night had a real bite.

Ben could feel the ghost standing behind him watching Sally make her way down the path.

"Are you ever going to more on into Heaven?" Ben asked.

"Sure when the wife's ready. Are you going to tell her?" the ghost asked.

Ben shook his head sadly "Why? This is her idea of heaven, believing that she is alive."

Finding the energy to write

If we found energy and passion down a well, I think mine is pretty low at the moment. But using the same analogy what have I been spending my energy on?

I spoke to a fella writer and blogger last week who told me 'every time I spend time and energy pushing someone else up I am slowly sinking down.'

Please check out her blog at http://magnoliasoul.wordpress.com/ she is quite insightful when she finds the time to write.

The result of these profound words is that I've been in a pretty bad mood all week.

Despite living 350 miles from an elderly aunt I spent yesterday afternoon downloading and filling in forms for her and completing them over the phone. Did I mind? No. But I was a bit miffed when she asked if my motives behind my act of kindness was to be left in her will! I know I'm not the only person out there who after spending a few hours 'trying to help' are left wondering, why did I bother? So why couldn't I say 'ask another relative or go to the CAB?' Now that is the question.

To a certain extent I think that women are there own worse enemies. Not only do they see themselves as the caretaker for family and friends, but quite often they do even when they aren't asked. They spend their energy on others.

The next big energy waste is the need for drama, either your own or other peoples. When I think of all the little and large drama's I've been involved in I can't help wondering where I would be if I could have just transferred that to writing screen plays.

I've always been most productive as a writer when I have booked time to write. Often going to the library or a coffee shop, somewhere the washing machine can't whisper 'why not empty me it will only take two seconds.'

Working with my husband as made this a little more difficult. I like structure he is (bizarrely coming from a writer) more creative with his time. I have also noticed that when he is absorbed in a task he is completely focused. The grass could be screaming 'mow me, mow me now' and he still wouldn't notice. And better yet he wouldn't feel guilty about not doing it. I envy that. Recently he is focused on bodybuilding and wants to compete in a tournament next year. He's made amazing progress in just a couple of months. Due to focus and deciding where he is going to spend his energy. Seeing his amazing progress as made me question my own commitment.

Currently I'm a bit of a writer ninja. When I get a quick half an hour before an appointment I get the iPad or note book out. But I think I now need to devote some serious time in. Unfortunately, lots of other areas of my life need time too!