Monday, August 11, 2014

Why people like me sometimes don't leave the house.

I think it must have been the moon or something, but so many people dear to me are having rows at the moment.

I'm feeling very ill mentally. 

I totally get that families and friends fall out. I also think it's healthy to talk to friends and family about it. Better out than in. I think the 'do you think I'm overreacting questions etc' are normal. In my entire life there has only been three people that I have, with great regret, had to step away from. 

Interestingly, on reflection when I look back at the relationships that haven't worked in my life I can see that for the last year or two I wasn't a good friend to them. I started to complain about them behind their back. I became cross and impatient with them. I taught that person that it was okay to treat me badly or use me, because I accepted bad behaviour. I jumped in and did things that I didn't want to do, and then felt resentful about it later.

What I don't understand is the 'I'm not talking to such and such, so I won't be happy until YOU aren't talking to them either. 

It is an horrible situation to be in. When relationships break down, for whatever reasons, step aside, let it go. Don't try and form an army against that person. Even if you are in the right. If you see them in the street, be polite, but move on. Forgive them, untie yourself from that drama.

I can say about the three people I'm no longer connected with, that I wish them well on their life journey. I just don't want to be hurt any more. I remember the musical Fiddler on the Roof. A man asks the rabbi if there is a blessing for the Tsar, a man responsible for forcing the Jews out of their homes.

Young Jewish Man: Rabbi, may I ask you a question?
Rabbi: Certainly, my son.
Young Jewish Man: Is there a proper blessing for the Tsar?
Rabbi: A blessing for the Tsar? Of course! May God bless and keep the Tsar... far away from us!

It sort of sums up my feelings. It takes me a long time to get rid of the anger and forgive. Basically I have two settings, 'off my head' angry and calm. And I have to let it run round my head, bubble up, time and time again.  It's horrible feeling like that, I hate it, and I'm glad when it finally goes. I understand when sometimes like weeds, these feelings pop up years later. But my ultimate goal is to move on and let go.

I'm not claiming to be some sort of saint. I will hold me hand up and admit that when people who have hurt me have in turn been hurt themselves. Yes I've smiled, and felt justice been served - but not by my hand! And it does make a difference.

When my husband and I was running a company a man stole from us. Was I glad when he was caught  with his fingers in the till elsewhere? Yes. I admit it I felt validated. Particularly when those who didn't believe us was forced to realise we were right. I suppose there is a little bit of 'I told you so' in everyone.

Break ups are not an excuse to be rude, not speak to that person or announce loudly. 'I'm not going if they are going?'  Or in this case  'if you like me you wouldn't go either.' Why drag everyone else into and make them pick sides? Or happily announce what has been said behind your back. Because you're hurting you want others feel hurt. It's easily done when we are angry - but surely we should try and take the higher path?

I truly believe that it was holding on to hate and resentment that was responsible for my mothers  constant illness and death. In fact the last three phones calls I have had has made me so tired and drained, I've not left the house this morning.

So dear friends, I'm willing to listen, make tea, eat a cake with you. I really understand being upset about a quarrel and it going round and round in your head so you can't even sleep - honesty I get it. Vent if you need to. But I'm not prepared to go to war. 

If you were in a wheelchair I wouldn't ask you to climb a stair. Please understand that my mental stability boat doesn't take rough seas. So if you want to contact me this week - funny dogs and panda pictures please, no massive dramas. 


  1. I hear you. How I hear you. And wish I didn't.
    And be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Yes, I know, easier said than done.

  2. Would you like to follow each other on GFC ?? Let me know if you follow i'll follow you back!

  3. Do take care of yourself, Charlotte. And there is a world of wisdom in what you say!

  4. Hi Charlotte!
    Popping in to wish you a Happy New Year!

  5. I hope you're feeling better and that life is treating you kindly.

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