Accept that you have fears but don't let them rule you.

My husband is shy. I get it. I sympathise. But my one pet hate about some shy people is there certain belief that they have complete ownership on nerves.

Many people don't realise I suffer from sensorineural deafness. Rightly or wrongly I've never ticked the disabled box. I actually had six years speech therapy as a child. I still struggle with different sounds, speak too loud, interrupt when others are talking because I think they're finished. I miss a lot of what is going on around me. I learned to be the clown, laughed when I got the word wrong. Pretended to be a little bit thick - acted the comedian. The reason - nerves and to cover up the fact I have a problem. 

Last night I helped on the refreshment stall at my daughters school play to raise money for the school. I struggled to hear and fell back into my usual jokey playing the fool behaviour. Someone who is shy may envy the way I can chat and talk to strangers, but that is the way I cope with nerves and I often feel self loathing for my loud behaviour. I didn't know the other helpers. I didn't feel like I fit in. So I went back to tried and tested coping strategies.

I suffer from anxiety a lot. The thing is that everyone has different ways of copying with there fears. It may be public speaking, reading out your work, the paralysing fear that you will fail or be speechless. I may cover well in front of people, but it's not uncommon for me to be up all night and most of that time is usually in the bathroom.

Realising that everyone has their own hang ups is a good step in being more forgiving to your problems.  Everyone has a burden that one has to carry on their own. It doesn't always mean that it is a physical burden, it may be a psychological burden. It isn't something that can be shared or off loaded. The question is what to do about it?

If you struggle reading your work out loud - do it as often as you can. Stop telling yourself what you CAN'T do and focus on what you can do. The best thing you can do is to over-prepare when you're facing an intimidating situation that makes you nervous. The number one cause for nerves is feeling inadequate. Practise. Put yourself into scary positions. 

I didn't feel last night went well, and I'm worried about doing it again on Thursday. But even if I did appear to be a loud nut. At least I know I did it! I wanted to help the school raise money - and that's what I did.  Accept that you have fears, understand that you may not like how you deal with them, but don't let them rule you.

I blame the wonderful Della Galton

During my quest for a publishing deal, I have been on lots of writing courses, two run by Della Galton. I would highly recommend Della's courses by they way, see here for more details, http://www.dellagalton.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/della-class.jpg.

Unfortunately, instead of taking her advice on editing - which I hate!  I focused on her stories about how she get ideas. Della loves her dogs.  She has these amazing, wonderful long walks in which  fills her  with creativity and the urge to write successful short stories and novels. She's even published a book about a dog, The Dog with Nine Lives.

Newly inspired I left the building with notes on how to edit my stories like a professional, which I quickly lost. I was convinced I now knew the secret of her success. Buy a dog. Since we had a rat problem, why not buy a dog that kills rats? Of course, instead of getting advice from dog owners or the kennel club about where to buy a puppy - why not just ask the rat man? He promised me that this puppy's mother had been an outstanding rat hunter and this dog would kill any pest. Well, I can't disagree, Watson our West Highland Terrier kills, a lot. Rats, mice, baby bunnies, birds, pigeons especially when lame and, this strange little mammal creature with a long snout which is probably extinct now. I'm not going to mention the unfortunate incident with someones pet. What we didn't know is that our little rat catcher would chase the kids around the garden with dead rats in his mouth. Or that he would drop a mice and birds into our cups of tea and bowls of cornflakes. I certainly wasn't prepared for the dead mouse being dropped into my bubble bath or visit to the vets to remove a birds leg from between his teeth.

Lets get this straight I completely love my dog. I can cope with natural terrier behaviour. I can cope with the fact that he wakes me up by biting my toe. That he doesn't run up and shows me he loves me when I come home, unless I'm carrying a KFC. I'm fine with the fact that we are now on our fourth dog trainer who has more degrees than a thermometer. Plus my dogs diagnosis from an animal behaviourist is,

'Well you see the thing is with Watson he knows all his commands he is simply choosing not to obey them. He's what's known in the trade as an awkward bastard.'

He barks when a leaf falls and hides if he is threatened. He complains, mutters, sniffs and has been nicked name Father Jack after the character from Father Ted. He rips up my knickers and hangs them on the bushes - ok I get it. He's a dog that's what dogs do.

What really annoys me is all the long relaxing walks daydreaming about plots and characters I'm missing because of bad doggie behaviour. I am willing to own up to the fact that Watson is a bit spoilt and that I have made some new doggy owners mistakes but, today I could have killed him.

I took him into the pet shop. And I admit I did pick him a treat. I love the way he sniffs at everything and, when he sees something he likes he gets onto his back legs and begs - so cute. Even the shop owners fussed and stroked him, he was being so good, I was so proud. Then a lady came in carrying a puppy and Watson didn't bark. The staff fused the puppy and Watson gave a short snort we turned around and, he peed in the bono dog biscuits. Of course, the biscuits had to be weighed, (wet) and paid for. It is like the worse toddler behaviour with a dog. At least with a child you sometimes got sympathy from other parents.

I came home head hurting, angry, stressed with £10 of wet doggie biscuits. Do I feel like writing? Am I relaxed and filled with creativity? No...Della I'm not!

My creativity has a headache

Oh yeah - working from home can be awesome. Lets face it I have very few travel expenses, no commute, freedom to organise my diary, no office politics and only an imaginary boss looking over my shoulder. On the other side of the coin is that it can be lonely, there can be a lack of motivation and of course the old fiend procrastination. It is so easy to just put that wash on, check your emails or Facebook and drift off into non work events.

I like structure. Monday I remove the chaos that the weekend made, clean the house and do the garden. Which leaves me with a four day week plus two evenings. I'm great at making lists and love the reward of a great big tick. I give my self strict work hours and even schedule breaks.

So ideal day means I drop daughter off at school at 8:30 and then I walk the dog for forty five minutes and ideally go to the gym for thirty minutes. Bacon butty and strawberry milk shake in hand - sometimes with seven cherry tomatoes because it is supposed to stop cancer I'm ready for action at 10:45. I work until 12:30 then it's lunch and I sometimes walk the dog up and down the hill (don't be impressed it is a six minute walk but it helps the old brain.) Then I start work again until 2:45 grab a drink and drive to school to pick up daughter. I then check emails - a bit of Facebook on the iPad in the car. Once the girls are fed and watered I usually work again after I've washed up at 5:30 until 7pm. I can get a lot achieved.

Unfortunately, I do not cope with any change in my routine. Yesterday my great aunt phoned up and asked how far along I was with planning and booking her 90th birthday party which isn't until 4th of January 2014. Can it wait? I asked hopefully - of course the answer was no. That and a few consent forms to fill out, the postman brought a parcel which set the dog off and a guy to fix the oven.

Today, woke up and some idiot had pulled the leads of the battery. My dog who will bark if a leaf dropped in another county had crawled into my bed at 12:10am doing his best Scooby Doo impersonation and I did hear the gravel crunch but I put it down to nature. See previous rants about badgers and pheasants. It's a horrible feeling and of course your first thought is whether or not you are being targeted. Who 'has it in for you?' My youngest daughter was very unsettled. The police were great. Unfortunately, there is a certain proportion of the population who are idiots. The RAC were busy, lots of let down tires and missing cables this morning no doubt. But thanks to an iPad and e-how I fixed it myself. Daughter late to school, meeting with the head, phone call from the publisher about a bad peer review. It's now 11:45 and this is how the procrastination creeps in for me. I've now lost the urge. My creativity has a headache.  

I'm okay, you're okay

My mother could hold a grudge for years. She lived in the past and counted old hurts like gold coins. It's an easy way to live your life but, it's not a healthy one. Deep down I believe it was the inability to let go and move on that killed her not the cancer.

Sometimes we have to let go a bit even if it hurts. My eldest daughter has just turned thirteen, a tricky age for anyone. She no longer wants to come home and tell me about her day. I'm not allowed to look at any text she receives. If she buys something in town she doesn't want to show me what it is. I have to be okay with that. I need to step back while she discovers who she is while I hope and pray that she comes back to me in the end. I know the kind of relationship I want with my daughter. The only problem is that it's not all about what I want. She has an input to the relationship too.

I recently offered to buy a gift to an important person in my life or give a gift voucher so she could pick out the item herself. She didn't feel comfortable with the idea. I would like us to be closer, she doesn't want that. Again I know the kind of relationship I would like but...its not up to just me. The true is that we are always changing.   Just because something was right for us in the past doesn’t mean it still is.  

It happens to you slowly as you grow older.  You discover more about who you are and what you want out of life, and then you realise there are deliberate changes you need to make to keep up with the changes happening around you and within you. The specific people and routines you’ve known forever no longer align with your values.  So you cherish all the memories, but find yourself letting go and moving on. I find it much easier than it use to be. 

It's sad but true, no matter what you do or how much you explain yourself, some people will gradually evolve away from your core values.  As time goes on they will prove over and over again that they are committed to misunderstanding you and clashing with your needs. What was right for you then is not necessarily right for you now.  Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather realising that you have changed, and then learning to start over with your new self. 

I'm a people pleaser by nature, open and chatty. I get frustrated by people who are closed. I hate one sided conversations, they want to know everything that's going on in your life but don't want to share what's happening in theirs. I have no doubt that my garrulous chat grates on their nerves. But these days I find more and more that I'm okay with who I am. Forgive me for saying this old cliche but I'm actually learning to like myself.

Some people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them.  They are supposed to be part of your memory, not your future.  The bottom line is that when you have to start compromising your happiness and your potential for the people around you, it’s time to change the people around you. 

Re-assess, review and get a clearer perspective.

When I still lived up North we had a rather fat hamster called Custard Cream. He got to big for his old cage, he couldn't even squeeze through a empty loo roll tube so we bought him one of those 'rather expensive for what they are' space cages complete with plastic tunnel. Custard liked the wheel but being rather obese would do a couple of turns then get off. One morning I came down stairs to a fat dead star shaped hamster stuck inside a plastic moulded wheel. I'm not sure what happened but I believe he got on but couldn't jump off the moulded wheel.  He was stuck, forced to run, never able to  leave. From the look of him and, I must admit I have no medical training, it was a heart attack - but he still couldn't stop running. I just want to add in case anyone is thinking of buying a hamster that the moulded cages look great but, it is nearly impossible to get the body out. I had to engineer a pencil and pipe cleaner tool and, even then was forced to shake the cage. I won't lie, he didn't look good for the funeral.

So rather than try to overcome the obstacles in my life. Today they included a new teen unwilling to go to school, ripped trousers, muddy dog, bird wing, nausea  and no electric. I have decided to take a step back.

It is easy to forget that, just because you keep pushing on with the daily grind, it doesn’t mean you are moving forward to the results you really want in your life. And when the brown stuff hits the fan, the ‘push through it’ mindset could actually be detrimental to your end results.

So I have come to Portchester Castle which has great toilet facilities, a ice cream van for a can of something cold and beautiful views, in the hope of gaining a chance to re-assess, review and get a clearer perspective.

Alas, it was not to be ...

Today I got the email saying I hadn't made the cut to the core group of writers for the You Me and Everyone Project.

Did I want to get through to the final four, yes. Was I disappointed that I wasn't chosen, yes. Am I gnashing me teeth and feeling upset, no.

The true is that I'm pretty good at dealing with rejection and criticism, it's waiting and praise I find hard. I'm sure there are deep dark psychological reasons for this. I'm just not sure what they are. Probably, something to do with control. Anyhow, here is my way of dealing with the 'no.'

Remember that it's not the end of the world. Everyone says this, and it may feel like a cliché, but it's true.

Read the rejection letter carefully to be sure you haven't made a mistake or missed something. Are there re-application options? If so, respond quickly, within the deadlines. This is my second attempt at trying to get on to a ReAuthoring Project. If they come out with something new I will apply again. I will wear them down before I give up.

Re-evaluate what you're looking for. Maybe there is a reason for the no - in which case you may be better suited to another more exciting project that you just don't know about yet.

Do not take rejection personally. This commonly stated phrase is not at odds with the fact that the rejection probably feels very personal. The point behind this sentiment is that you are often at the receiving end of something far more complex than what you're able to ascertain. There are still two sides to this story. You're probably even less aware of what the person doing the rejection has to account for when reaching a decision to decline your request.

And always have something else in the pipeline - I've received a nice email from another non - fiction book opportunity two hours after my first rejection. Who knows what is around the corner.

Below is a fabulous picture a friend posted on Facebook this morning. Good luck applying.

Waiting causes the OCD jitters

It feels like the dreaded August when I was 18 and waiting for my 'A' Level results. Would my life begin? Would I be off to university?

I’m not exactly sure how it happens. Many of my friends comment on how many opportunities I apply for. Or my 'oh well' to rejection, but what they may not know is I frequently become a stark raving loony-tunes nuts crazy after an interview.

“They haven’t emailed yet.”
I know.
“They still haven’t emailed yet.”
It’s only been five minutes since I last checked.

My stomach churns, in fact sometimes I have actually thrown up.

So what happens to me? Why does obsessive-compulsive behaviour take hold of an otherwise positive person’s body and brain?

I think it's because I've absolutely no control over what they do or how soon they do it. Or maybe because given the choice between give me the good news or the bad news I will always vote for bad news first.

So it's back to the sensible grind stone and keep plugging away. Except that this morning it's different. I'm writing my blog in bed with my pj's on - checking my emails after every sentence - waiting for news about the You Me and Everyone project and, peer reviews on my second none fiction book while cuddling up to my beautiful 11 year old who will find out today if she made the rounders team.

It will be interesting to see if we will still be sane at the end of the day.